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The LAST PINEWOOD DERBY CAR after three boys… may God have mercy on my soul! 2013

A Scout is Loyal

In the pre dawn dark of 3 am, I remembered I forgot to sew my youngest son’s Logan’s merit badges on his scout uniform (and by sew I mean hot glue gun). So naturally I started absently chewing off my fingernails as I contemplated just what that meant in my world.  See, Logan’s suppose to hold the flag during the flag ceremony tonight, and because HE has autism too, he would NOT appreciate if he had to wear anything other than a proper uniform that meets the exacting standards of the Boy Scouts of America. This is what the book designates you should wear.  This is how the scoutmaster explained you should dress to show respect and unity. These are the rules.

The trick is, I didn’t “sew” his patches on his scout shirt, because I don’t know where his scout shirt is. Which means I may have to bite the bullet and sale a kidney online to afford to buy another one. Seriously they’re like $60… believe me, I KNOW. I’ve already sold half my liver and one retina to replace the five other lost scout shirts.

This might have something to do with my middle son Spencer, who takes after his mother and has ADHD. And he’s REALLY good at it. It might be terminal. Also, he has lost Three of his shirts, and TWO of Logans. I know it’s hard to imagine you could loose something you’re wearing… and yet. I’m telling you, the boy is gifted.

Yes. He’s the one who lost Logan’s shirt (again), but I’m the one who told him to wear it when he couldn’t find his lost shirt (again).  In my defense someone was honking in the driveways for Spencer to go pick up trash (as in litter, not loose Girl Scouts) and I panicked.

And if you’re thinking, “Simmer down chick, it’s a freaking shirt. What’s the big deal? Just go buy another one!” You obviously have NEVER had a scouter, or maybe you just don’t loose their shirts. Repeatedly.  The deal is the shirt is just the canvas. In order to produce a certified replicate scout uniform, you also have to buy all the merit badges he’s previously earned (that’s another $235) and glue them on. Which means you have to meticulously scroll through five billion photos on your phone (because you have 14,783 to look through) until you get to a picture of him in all his finery and can zoom in on foggy images of merit badges and try to deciliter what the symbols mean. (Is that a gavel? Or a mallet? So You Broke The Law Merit Badge or Meat Bludgeoning Merit badge?).

I know you are wondering why I don’t just ask the scout master for a record of what badges he’s earned, like most normal people would, but I’ve already asked him twice! And I don’t want to leave another message his wife will check and text me back with a concerned, “Hi Dianna here for John. (Names changed to protect the innocent). Oh, girrrrl… you did NOT loose his book again! We’re going to have to start charging you by the hour for this info (emoji emoji emoji), it’s becoming a part time job for my husband minus the pay (insert another five hundred laughing smiley face icons). 

It’s true. I’m proud. There I said it. I don’t want to skulk over to her house again, to have her wag her finger at me. Plus, she sales weight loss cookies and always gives me the once over as I cower in her entry while she says things like, “You know, people think just because I’m thin and beautiful that I don’t know what it’s like to feel body shame, but I do. Oh girrrrl, I know  you must feel hopeless right now, but I’ll tell you what! You go ahead and open that mouth like a good girl, so I can let you try our newest flavor, ‘not so chunky monkey!’ and I promise once you start replacing meals with these morsels of joy, if you don’t loose them!!! Mental emoji emoji emoji! You will be as thin and beautiful as me in no time! Well, as thin as me anyway.” #imnotamiracleworker


Also, the truth is, deciphering which merit badges Logan needs is stimulating…. like a scavenger hunt. Do I buy a bird house building merit badge or an outhouse digging one?  And making sure to keep the same pattern as before is a challenge I look forward to. (And one involving scrolling through 10,000 photos again). But sleep deprivation, hot glue gun burns and organ donation scars are always preferable to Pack Meeting Melt Downs: To clarify, pack meeting meltdown is not a dance move,  or a merit badge for making waterproof candles out of melted, repurposed crayons. It’s when a child is in a fetal ball on the gym floor, clearly clad in a non-standardized, non-cacky, non buttoned up, non-hankerchiefed GAP T-shirt. 


See, a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful friendly courteous and kind, obedient, honest and my scout likes to live his life with the routine familiarity of military precision. #nosurprisesplease 

Therefore it’s unfortunate that he has an AWOL mother.  No. But really.

On the upside, I will most likely die soon from donating a smidgen too much of my liver, and maybe the scoutmaster’s wife can adopt him? Emoji, Emoji, Emoji!

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